Virginity is personal and can mean different things to different people. There’s no set timeline—only have sex when you’re ready. Consent is always required, and you can stop at any time. Having a hymen (or not) doesn’t define virginity. First-time sex can cause a little pain or bleeding, but communication, taking it slow, and using lube can help. STIs can spread during any kind of sex, so condoms or dental dams are important for safety. Keep condoms on hand, plus emergency contraception like the Julie Morning After Pill for penis-in-vagina sex—take it within 72 hours if needed. After sex, pee to help prevent UTIs, check the condom for breaks, and look out for any lingering pain or bleeding.
So…you’re a virgin. Guess what: Everyone is at one point. The entire concept of virginity is varied and deeply personal, but one thing that’s for sure is how the media portrays “losing” it isn’t exactly accurate. There’s no rush to have sex for the first time, but if you’re ready, there’s plenty of ways to help you make it as stress free as possible.
What is virginity?
A virgin is someone who’s never had sex. That being said, sex and virginity can mean different things to different people.
Before our understanding of sexuality evolved, “losing” your virginity only applied to penetrative penis-in-vagina sex. But that’s not the definition for everyone. People who haven’t had vaginal sex but have had other kinds of sex (like oral or anal sex) may or may not consider themselves virgins. Similarly, lesbian, gay, bisexual, or pansexual people may never experience penis-in-vagina sex, which means virginity may have a totally different definition.
Because of our changing understanding of intimacy, virginity is complicated. Some people don’t even believe in the concept of virginity, or that it even matters at all. In the end, how and when you want to have sex for the first time should be entirely up to you.
When "should" you lose your virginity?
That’s entirely up to you. There’s no deadline or timeline you should follow. Societal expectations and peer pressure can influence perceptions, but the decision is up to you. If someone is pressuring you into sex, that’s not cool. Even if it feels awkward, say no. Only you know when you’re ready.
Consent and virginity
Whether it's your first time or 100th time, consent is crucial. Consent is ongoing, and you can withdraw it at any point. Just because you started kissing, touching, or “having sex” doesn’t mean that you can’t withdraw consent. If you want to stop, say it. Prioritizing open communication, respecting boundaries, and understanding mutual desires can improve your experience.
When it comes to virginity, consent can factor into whether or not someone thinks they’ve had sex or lost their virginity. Some people believe that being coerced or forced into sex isn’t sex and that sex only happens when both people consent. If someone feels they were pressured into sex, they may believe they haven’t lost their virginity. Again, virginity can mean different things to different people. But to be 100% clear: Sex without consent is rape.
What is a hymen?
The hymen is a thin membrane at the vaginal opening. But contrary to popular belief, the presence or absence of a hymen does not determine your virginity. The hymen can vary in shape, size, and appearance. According to Planned Parenthood, hymens already have a hole big enough for period blood to come out. Your hymen can also be stretched or torn for various reasons unrelated to sexual activity, like exercise, tampon use, fingering, inserting a sex toy, or just naturally over time.
Does my hymen make me a virgin?
No. Having a hymen does not define virginity, and the state of it (stretched, torn, or not) does not accurately reflect one's sexual history or experiences.
Does it hurt?
Pain or discomfort is possible during sex. If you have a hymen, it may stretch or tear during your first time, which can cause a little pain or bleeding. Beyond the hymen, factors like stress, lack of arousal, or insufficient lubrication may cause discomfort. Open communication with your partner, taking things at a comfortable pace, increasing lubrication through arousal or using a water-based lube, and prioritizing relaxation can help mitigate pain. Read more on what can cause sex to hurt here.
Can you get an STI?
Yes, it’s possible to get an STI anytime you sex — virgins are not exempt. It’s also possible to give or receive an STI even if you’re not having vaginal sex. STIs can spread through bodily fluids and direct contact. Condoms and dental dams are crucial for keeping both you and your partner safe. As part of your after-sex care, be sure to get tested regularly for STIs.
Preparation and protection
We don’t always know when we’ll have sex, especially if it’s for the first time, but preparing ahead can be helpful. Have these on hand in case the moment arises: condoms, dental dams, and the Julie Morning After Pill™ (specifically if you’re having penis-in-vagina sex).
Condoms and dental dams will help protect you and your partner from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and prevent unwanted pregnancy. If you’re not on birth control and have unprotected sex, the condom broke, or you just want to have a backup to prevent pregnancy, take the Julie Morning After Pill™ within 72 hours after sex — but the sooner, the better.
What to expect: arousal, foreplay, sex & orgasm (maybe)
Everyone’s first time is different. Above all, communicate with your partner. Aside from consent, this is where you can explore each other, find out what they do or don’t like, and make sex seem less stressful and more enjoyable.
- Arousal & Foreplay. Arousal is the feeling of being turned on sexually (more colloquially known as feeling horny). For people with a vagina, arousal is important for lubrication (fluid produced in the vagina) while people with a penis need arousal to increase blood flow to the penis and create an erection.
Foreplay can be anything you do before sex. It’s essentially stimulation you and your partner can do to increase arousal to lead to orgasm. Foreplay can be physical — like touching, kissing, stroking and fingering, but it can also be communicative, like sexting or talking dirty. You don’t have to have foreplay to have sex, but it can be helpful (and fun) to increase lubrication for the vagina and deepen the experience. This wetness is important for reducing pain and friction during intercourse, but sometimes it’s still not enough despite sufficient arousal. Thankfully, lube exists.
- Sex. Sex can be penetrative (i.e., vaginal sex or anal sex) or oral. Because two people may have different definitions of sex, it’s important that all parties clearly share what their expectations are ahead of time. Don’t be afraid to try a different position or communicate with your partner during sex if something doesn’t feel good. Communication is key.
- Orgasm. Orgasm is the peak of your arousal, where intense feelings of physical pleasure happen. It goes without saying that not everyone orgasms at the same time. You might orgasm before or after your partner, or you may not orgasm at all. For some people, sharing intimacy is the best part of sex, but if you want to orgasm it is helpful to tell your partner what feels best.
After Sex
Protecting your body after sex is just as important as doing it before. First thing’s first: If you have a vagina, go pee to any bacteria out of the urethra (and reduce your risk of urinary tract infections). If you used a condom, give it a quick check to make sure it didn’t tear. Check in with yourself and your partner, and take the Julie Morning After Pill™ if you need to.
After sex, your body can also experience some weird yet totally normal side effects. If your side effects persist or you feel increased pain, be sure to schedule an appointment with your healthcare provider.
While we love to share useful and helpful information, the above shouldn’t replace the advice of your healthcare professional. For questions about birth control and other women’s health issues, please talk to your doctor.
Julie wants to keep young women in the driver’s seat of their own stories and provide them with the tools necessary for a happy, healthy sex life.
We know (and have lived!) through the ups and downs of young adulthood firsthand, and we aim to normalize the events, conversations, and questions that come during this period to help destigmatize sexual health. We believe women should live life with total freedom — starting with their ability to choose how, when, and if they become pregnant.
We know that women can make the best choices for themselves when equipped with the right information. We don’t take sexual education lightly and are committed to sharing accurate and factual information through rigorous planning and QA processes. In fact, all Julie content is reviewed by at least two board-certified doctors on our medical board. Learn more about them here.
For more details on our editorial process, see here.
Tessa Commers, MD, FAAP, MS is a board-certified pediatrician based in the Seattle area with a particular interest in adolescent health and sexual education. In addition to clinical practice and serving as Head of Medical at Julie, Tessa also founded AskDoctorT — an education platform with over a million followers across Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube — aimed at improving adolescent health literacy and body confidence. She also hosted and wrote the puberty podcast “That’s Totally Normal!” and has contributed to peer-reviewed publications and educational initiatives focused on child and adolescent wellbeing.
Education: Children’s Mercy Hospital, Kansas City – Pediatric Residency; University of Nebraska Medical Center – Doctor of Medicine (MD); University of Nebraska Medical Center – Master of Science (MS, Genetics, Cell Biology and Anatomy); New York University – Bachelor of Arts (BA)
